So where'd I leave off with this thing?
This Friday, it will be eight weeks since Mikenna died. Eventually, I'll get to a point where I forget to count, where I don't glance at the clock on a Friday morning and remember what we were doing at that point. I'm not there yet.
I am, however, doing a lot better. I had to go to the doctor for medicine refills anyway, so I was honest about how I'd been feeling. Our doctor had me try out another brain pill on top of what I'm already taking, and that has actually worked out well. I have times where I get sad, and that's okay. But the sadness no longer feels omnipresent. I can focus on things and gett hings done, and that's good. I do enjoy functioning, after all.
The weird thing about this medicine is that it's also an appetite suppressant to a degree. I'm eating, don't get me wrong, but I'm eating a lot less, without a lot of effort. Usually cutting back on food is met with internal angst - I should forego that fourth piece of pizza, but oh man I don't want to. On this medicine, well, two is enough and I'm fine with that. I feel uncomfortably full faster, and I find I don't like that feeling, so I try not to get there. Basically, it's like dieting, but with all of the emotion removed. There are exceptions, but I'm kind of blase' about food. I'll eat whatever, because food needs to happen, but I don't feel like putting a lot of effort into it. Don't get me wrong though, I'll still shake people down for a good pizza. It just has to be a good pizza.
My friends also started a C25K group (Couch to 5k), and there's a chart with names, and we get stickers for every day we complete. In an unexpected twist, I'm currently ahead of other people. I mean, it's not a competition, but it is running, so the fact that I'm not in last place shocks me on a daily basis. It reminds me of this clip from How I Met Your Mother.
I'm not saying that running is easy or that I'm enjoying it. Every run, I'm challenged and muttering the entire time. But as far as motivation is concerned, I decided I was going to do the thing and I just haven't stopped. It just feels like a non-negotiable. (Whether it would feel non-negotiable if there weren't stickers involved, I don't know.)
So, for the reasons above, I've shed some pounds. How much, I don't know, because I haven't stepped on a scale. It feels a little trite to be like, "OH WHOOPS I'M SO AMAZING I JUST ACCIDENTALLY LOST WEIGHT". I'm not trying to lose weight, it's just the result of what's been going on. I'm not saying it's unwelcome, either.
A friend of mine, who may now be my favorite friend ever, pointed out all the places in my face that look thinner. Hey, I'll take it. I also need to get my hair done. I've been telling myself that if I held out until January, I could go get my hair cut and dyed. Now I'm kind of stalling on making the appointment because I hear we're supposed to get snow at the end of the week, and we all know how that word breaks my brain. (Clearly I was meant to live in the south)
I've started reading and playing games again. I'm loving the living daylights out of This is Us. Every time I see somethig westie related in the wild, I choose to believe it's Mikenna's way of letting me know that she's with me. The kitties have been exceptionally good. Aeris has been super snuggly, and Gwen has been very present. She doesn't snuggle really, but as I write this, she's curled up next to me. That's all I want. They both seem happy, which is good. I had worried that Aeris would be devastated by losing her sister, which was part of my motivation for bringing Gwen into the fold. While they have a more antagonistic relationship than Koo and Aery, I do think not being alone has helped. I also feel like Aeris understood more about Mikenna being sick than I gave her credit for. About a month or so after Koo died, I noticed Aeris started bolting around the house like a little goofball. It startled me, because she hadn't done it in a while - I thought that was just something she was done with. But when I thought about it, she stopped within the last six months of Koo's life. She's been far more goofy and playful these last several weeks. Dog gone it, I think that cat knew. Whether she stopped because she didn't want to make Koo chase her, or if she was just slowly grieving Koo, I don't pretend to know. But I think she understood something.
I pulled out my bullet journal yesterday, and one of the things on the last list I had made was "Koo vet Friday" back in June. That sums it up. Life, well, it didn't stop, but it took a sharp detour while we were caring for Koo. Now I'm slowly getting back on the path, but discovering that things aren't the same - I'm not the same - as when I left. Nothing wrong with that. But I feel present again. I feel like I'm back.